Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers


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Peaceful Parenting for a Hectic World

But the book is also upbeat, as it emphasizes the extreme importance of attachment in child raising and how it can get implemented day to day. I found the book both thoughtful and thought provoking.

Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

It is a wise and important book. I feel like I think Helen Keller may have felt when she suddenly had language to articulate her inner life. I can feel a lifetime logjam of anger and frustration loosening and letting go. Thank you. The authors show us how we are losing contact with our children and how this loss undermines their development and threatens the very fabric of sociey. Most importantly they offer, through concrete examples and clear suggestions, practical help for parents to fulfill their instinctual roles. A brilliant and well written book, one to be taken seriously, very seriously.

And two adults are better people because of it. Thank you so very very much. The most incredible thing is that once I started following your suggestions, my daughter's behaviour changed almost immediately.

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I am so convinced of the soundness and naturalness of your ideas that I have sent information about the book to all of my friends and family members - not just parents, but also teachers and people who have children in their lives generally. However, I wish the authors had also pointed out right here that children are developmentally immature and children do pull out things that parents do not demonstrate. The discipline for parents is to work only in the context of connection. The authors go on to list seven principles of natural discipline that the authors outline in this chapter:.

Use connection, not separation, to bring a child into line. You all know how much I hate time-out, so this section is right up my alley. Connect before you correct. Breathe before you connect would be what I would add here. Take a moment and pull yourself together before you react. When problems occur, work the relationship, not the incident. I think this is true, that a sideways approach can work but again, I wish there more examples for parents here of what needs to be handled right away and directly and what could use a sideways approach.

Understanding developmental phases is really important, but boundaries are still there whether the behavior is associated with development or not. What development gives you is the right tools to use in conjunction with connection and your own inner work as a parent. Not sure I really liked the wording of this section, but I guess it does underscore the important place that sadness and anger does have and how it is not beneficial to shield our children from being sad or angry by over-explaining and not enforcing any boundaries at all.

Solicit good intentions instead of demanding good behavior. Provide something for the child to hang on to that gets them going in the direction you want — ask for their help, redirect, garner cooperation, with older children share your own values. What do you think? Are you willing to work on it? Draw out the mixed feelings instead of trying to stop impulsive behavior. Which is what I have said time and time again in this space! See the back post on defiance, it is ever popular! The authors talk about how to use mixed feelings to bring order out. When dealing with an impulsive child, try scripting the desired behavior instead of demanding maturity.

They are incapable of thinking twice before acting or of appreciating how their actions affect other people. The authors give some great examples, but also provide the caution that some parents use this technique to extreme lengths and remind us that this should never be used to the exclusion of the other six discipline methods mentioned. Good structures do not draw attention to themselves or the underlying agenda, they minimize bossing and coercion. I love some of the opening sentences in this chapter:. They experience what we manifest in tone and behavior. On this blog I have talked time and time again about creating a Family Mission Statement, knowing what your values are and living them.

Your personal life, the life between you and your spouse, the relationship between you and your family members must reflect good morals, dignity and respect if you want your children to possess these qualities. There is no disconnect in parenting. If you say your children are the top priority, then make your time with them a priority.

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Take a view of what it means to raise children long-term, which is really hard when your oldest is a baby, toddler or even preschooler. You may feel as if the normal developmental things they do will go on forever. One thing I see frequently over and over in the attachment community is mothers who have two, three and early four year olds as their oldest child banding together and being together.

There is nothing wrong with that at all, but they have no examples to draw from in parenting older children and when discipline needs to contain not just the connection and re-direction a two year old needs for boundaries and when that style of discipline really needs to shift and include stronger boundaries and different tools.

Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

In fact, I have seen some mothers with more dynamic five, six and seven year olds really be judged in the attachment community by mothers whose oldest children are only two or three years old. So, do have some friends with older children so you can see what is coming, what connection and boundaries for that age look like and how things look when there are no boundaries.

We can hardly expect a child to hold on to a connection that, in his eyes, we do not value. The authors mention on page that most parents are not perfect and that we may go into reactions that are uncontrolled emotions — but how after this happens we must re-group and re-collect our children. They also talk about the importance of attachment and how many children need to have a sense that they truly matter. Structure matters. The most obvious restrictions that need to be put in place are those that govern peer interaction, especially the free-style interaction that is not orchestrated by the adults in charge.

Unless parents put some restrictions in place, the demand for play dates, get-togethers, sleepovers, and instant messaging soon gets out of hand. Many more interesting ideas regarding setting up connection with parents that can replace peer attachment, but I will stop there. I am interested to hear what you all thought of this chapter!

Hold On to Your Kids Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

Are you excited to get here? According to reader response, this goal was successfully accomplished. This second edition is two chapters and some 20, words less and has been reorganized so that the reader does not have to wait so long to get to the how to parts. This is the edition that has been translated into most of the other languages. The second edition was only ever available in paperback. Despite the advantages of the second edition, the first edition has a commiNed following of readers who prefer to get the full gist of Dr.

Neufeld's logical arguments and the full enjoyment of Dr.


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Mate's eloquent writing style. Unfortunately this edition is now out of print but used books are available through the internet.

Hold on to Your Kids

This edition was never published in the United States. Beautifully written, this terrific, poignant book is already a bestseller in Canada. The thoughts and perspectives presented by the authors are informative — even inspirational — for those who choose to dedicate their lives and energy to students. Rare and refreshing. Here you will find family stories, an accessible description of brain development and sound information. You will also find hope. The authors present doable strategies to help parents help their kids.

Your book has transformed my life and my parenting. I am so convinced of the soundness and naturalness of your ideas that I have sent information about the book to all of my friends and family members — not just parents, but also teachers and people who have children in their lives generally. This book represents a great step forward in grasping the sorrow and suffering that our kids are experiencing. Give a copy of this book to every parent you know. I thoroughly enjoyed your book on holding onto your kids.


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  • I have never read a more informative book on parenting ever. As a child who did not connect with my parents I was passing this legacy onto my children with little success of reaching my six year old daughter. She was well on her way to the eyeball rolling attitude you describe in your book.

    Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
    Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
    Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
    Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
    Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
    Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
    Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
    Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
    Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

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